My own recent journey with
the Sand Spirits
I'll
begin the report on the Sand Spirits with my own recent experience.
Since being diagnosed with recurrent breast cancer in July, I've had
two surgeries and radiation. As my energy begins to build again, I am
aware how crucial my own work with the Sand Spirit cards has been in
guiding my recovery. In the midst of the sadness and fear that
accompanied the diagnosis, I turned to my "friends" for advice. Here
are some excerpts from my journal:
I
drew #10-a surprise. The pregnant woman! Today I see myself as the
small figure leaning on her breast. She is the fertile feminine, the
ever-pregnant, ever-producing, changing woman, growing things in her
dark belly. I must lean on that, on the heart of that, and believe
there is something redeeming in it for me.
When
I asked her for specific advice, here is what she said:
Put
everything in suspension. Ask for the highest help you can get and be
open to whatever you experience. Including depression, paralysis, the
Nothing. All of it is ok...Just
keep your doing to a minimum.
After
my second surgery, my healer friend Judith commented that to heal this
cancer evidently involves "going wider and deeper." To see what "wider
and deeper" might mean metaphorically, I consulted the Sand Spirits. I
asked them to show me the past, present and future with reference to
my healing journey-- in order to show me how to go wider and deeper. I
drew 3 cards: # 5, 17 and 19.
#
5 , representing the past, is the woman in the plumed had and cape,
handling the illness with style, grace and humor. She told me that
although there's nothing wrong with maintaining style, grace and
humor, the feelings must go deeper and wider than that. I saw that on
some level I wanted to be heroic and to rise above the deeper sadness,
anger and fear that are typical reactions to a life-threatening
disease. I vowed to be honest with myself and not be afraid of
experiencing the shadow side of healing.
The
present was represented by #17, and presented a complex and
fascinating group of images I had never seen in the card before. I saw
a woman's back, the aspect of myself that is facing away from the
cancer, walking toward the future. Superimposed I saw a younger, more
vulnerable, wistful face looking back, still attached to my mother and
grandmother, who both died of breast cancer. This vision led me to
create a series of clay sculptures to enact the breaking of a chain,
the turning away from patterns of the past. The three pieces and the
broken chain now rest in my garden, where they will return to the
earth in their own time.
The
future was represented by #19. I see this one as a shamanic figure
standing above a smaller figure who is learning from it. Old
fear-shadows are fading away into the distance. This one is about
taking my spiritual practice to an even deeper and wider place, a
journey I will begin on a spiritual healing retreat in Brazil.
For
weeks I kept the three cards on my desk to remind me where I've been,
where I am, and where I might go on my healing journey. Each time I
looked at them and asked them more questions, I learned more.
They
all recommended that I learn to put myself first in the best sense,
something I've discovered I didn't know how to do. Each day I try to
listen to what putting myself first might mean today, and then staying
alert for ways to put that intent into action. I've found it's about
much more than pedicures or shopping. It's more about accepting
whatever feelings are present and about maintaining an experience of
my own energy field living in the present moment.
As
hard as it is for me not to "do," I took the risk of following the
Sand Spirits' advice, and stopped my practice both at home and at
Miraval until mid-February, 2005. It's lucky I listened, because by
the end of radiation I could hardly move, let alone work! I feel
fortunate to have the option to rest and heal, and trust that it will
pay off when I return to my teaching and practice in the new year.
I
then used the cards again to guide me when I was trying to decide
whether to accompany my daughter on a spiritual pilgrimage to Brazil.
Worried about the long trip, my energy and my responsibilities at
home, I consulted the Sand Spirits. I got a very enthusiastic
response, so in the end I decided to go. The next issue will include
reflections about that journey.
